There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.
15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.