whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise


You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.


Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …


[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police


Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.