@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

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@faizziy

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@JessObsess

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

@shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@aksorojas

Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

@HomeWithPeanut

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.