“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
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Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.