“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Sniffing the broccoli
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.