Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If you know, you know
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
This is my cat’s medicine.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
This is a whole mood;
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”