Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Google Pay be like:
My biological clock is wheezing.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Lmbo
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.