Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
How to make infinite energy.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”