Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….