wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*buys soap on a rope
Cashier: Paper or plastic?
Me: Neither.. I’ll wear it out thanks
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I still can’t believe someone was hungry enough to try kale.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
that’s really how it is
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.