“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Yup….perfect score!
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
how to have an accident 101
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky