Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I have so many questions.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there