H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.