@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

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@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

@

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@mommymemeoirs

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@meaghano

my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…

@Coolisiana

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.