Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door