Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids