Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
for all #parents out there
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?