Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I can also cook 😂
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My god she’s good.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.