@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

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@chimneyspotter

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

@MorticiaKate

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@ruslg1

My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant

[later]

harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

@Shade510

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

@sozjalltheway

Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.