Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss