Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.