@JasonIsbell

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

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@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@o__0Dev

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@tsm560

Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.