Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning


Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*


[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?


For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me


If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.



That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.