@JasonIsbell

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

You Might Also Like

@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

@YeahDrewisOn

Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@ozzyunc

For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@squirrel74wkgn

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.