I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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Hey girl, heard you really like pandas
*Seductively eats bamboo*
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.