Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.