If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
GOD: to absolve man of sin
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.