You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”