Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.

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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.


That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?


sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…


date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”


Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.


HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂


You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger