“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I like crazy people until they notice me
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call