HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
You Might Also Like
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.