Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

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[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?


I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up


Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.


Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.


Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.


I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.


Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.


“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned


If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”


My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.