Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I feel it
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary