Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Succinctly put.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT