@satancstarfish

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

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@ItsAndyRyan

Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.

@JermHimselfish

Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

@kentgrossarth

I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.

@realHamOnWry

*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*

@ShutUpThatsWho

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

@KeetPotato

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

@sammyrhodes

Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.