Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

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Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.


I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.


*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity


drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display


Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.


Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.