@satancstarfish

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

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@yaboybillnye

Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm

@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

@Skoog

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

@momtransparent1

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

@davidkenny100

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Later
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

@pittdave13

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

@3dog101

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

@Gupton68

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?