Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
You Might Also Like
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
fr
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I need to get some bricks…
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.