My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.
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ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
a lot to take in here.
ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust