@JaneBadall

Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.

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@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@splendidcynic

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

@stellarjulez808

If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.

@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust