Every time.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother