Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You Might Also Like
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…