@Mehrwane

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

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@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@YourMomsucksTho

My kid’s teachers asked me to please stop helping them with schoolwork because it’s bringing their grades down

@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@MattchooFitz

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]