whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”


My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.


Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.


‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC


Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.


WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you


Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.