Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
You Might Also Like
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
being a writer on Twitter:
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan