{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You Might Also Like
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations