Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.