Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
We avoided this particular disaster
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.