@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

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@ApocalypticLoFi

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

@DurtMcHurtt

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@Neauxpe

Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.

@BallsMcBallski

Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]