Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Basically.
BaD BoY!!
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.