Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first