@Divergentmama

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.

You Might Also Like

@just1fool

Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@pilau

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning