People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Something Saturday.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge