@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

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@illiter8too

Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

@PoliUncorrect

Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car

@shkeeber

You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.

@heavyvvaves

What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO

@PinkCamoTO

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*