Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

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Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.


thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…


Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car


You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.


What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO


*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*