Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You Might Also Like
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no