Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
You Might Also Like
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
absolutely not
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why