Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home


Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …


If I’d know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I’d have spread them out a little more.


My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, “werewolf.”


College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain


Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.


“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”


People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.


boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}



me: this one’s true tho