Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
You Might Also Like
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?