Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
How do dragons blow out candles?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training