Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?
Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
“What color was it?” – Guy that stole your lighter.
I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can’t drive because that would be ridiculous.