@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

You Might Also Like

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

@Darlainky

Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa’s sleigh.

@El_nacho_Nigre

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@LostFelicia

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@MNateShyamalan

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

@wyatt_privilege

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS