@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

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@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@GianDoh

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

@Cheeseboy22

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

@miliondollameat

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

@markydoodoo

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

@put_veerle

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from