Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks
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Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa’s sleigh.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.