Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

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[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?


Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.


I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.


me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe


FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.


I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from