[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.