@man_spach

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

@Shock_Monster

The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.

@Marlebean

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@foursquids

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

@weinerdog4life

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@StephenAtHome

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

@JeffJSays

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.