Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner


The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.



Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.


Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now


Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what


LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed


I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”


Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.


{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?


Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.