Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Friends that check up on you >
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Many hands make light work
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?