ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie