I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
When your man makes a valid point
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.