not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
i think my razor is having a panic attack
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep