Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’
My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
7: I wanna watch a movie
Me: its late, sleep
7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE
M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.