@jordan_stratton

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

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@Browtweaten

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

@seancoleran

Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@pants_leg

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

@iamspacegirl

‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’

My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably

@byrdie_num_num

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

@Ohaiqtpie

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

@DaddyJew

7: I wanna watch a movie

Me: its late, sleep

7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE

M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit

@Purpell_Nurpell

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.