Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”