Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.