Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@BabetteJones

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

@MavenofHonor

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

@Social_Mime

I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.

@PetrickSara

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.