Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did