Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

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[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?


*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.


I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.


They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.



Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.


In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?