@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

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@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@MavenofHonor

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

@Social_Mime

I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.

@PetrickSara

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.