@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

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@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@Rollmaninoz

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@TheMichaelRock

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?