Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.


Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.


I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I’m afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.


Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*


My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.


Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body


If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.


Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.


I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.