Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Nice try Hitler
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES