Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me trying to look natural in photos
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort