@Fried_Tweeter

Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.

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@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you

@kbnoswag

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

@brandiwastaken

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

@junejuly12

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@CandyEmpires

I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@KeetPotato

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”