@TweetPotato314: me: *breathlessly* I need a copy of to kill a mockingbird right fucking now librarian: what’s the big hurr- [a giant winged shadow darkens the doorway]

@ndiquote: Plot Twist Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's emailing everyone now.

@onion_an: Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies

@lazy_joe_: Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby All right stop, Collaborate and listen This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@Kryzazy: Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.