
Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock
Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”