@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@murrman5: "do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?" no, try using your phone [throws phone and hits wasp nest] *running* I meant google it

@captainkalvis: Him: how old are you? Me: *holding up fingers* this many Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@WilliamAder: My wife's been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.