Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

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Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that


You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?


idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]


Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.


My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”


A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”