Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock
Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”