@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

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@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@s_kerekes

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

@attheUC

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

@lancshotlot

Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.